You Got This!

We are all capable of imagining how great it would be to learn Spanish, apply for that new position, write that book, or just introduce ourselves to that interesting stranger on the street. But how many of us actually do it?

Well, it’s complicated..

Confidence is about doing, mastering, and deciding.

Confidence is an attitude, a way you approach the world. It’s when you don’t curb your personality to try to fit into a mold. It’s a belief that you can accomplish the task you want to accomplish. Confidence occurs when self-perception that you are not able is trumped by your achievements. Confidence is not letting your doubts consume you. It’s a willingness to go out of your comfort zone and do hard things. Confidence is about having resilience and not giving up. Confidence is not simply feeling good about yourself or saying you are perfect just as you are and can do whatever you want to do, it’s about how firmly you believe you made the right choice. You demonstrate confidence in your style, your stories, and your observations.

In part you get your confidence from mastery. With mastery you encounter hurdles. You do not always overcome them, but you don’t let them stop you from trying. Mastering one thing gives you confidence to try something else.

How to overcome your palpable self-doubt?

Confidence has a distinctive double nature – an objective calculation and an experience of feeling. The emotional element of confidence might be tripping you up. You have the skills, but you lack self-belief; and without self-belief you cannot turn your desire into action. If you don’t take chance, you are stuck in self-doubt, and yes, you still devote too much time to internalizing your setbacks.

A person with high confidence tends to have high self-esteem. Self-esteem is an invaluable buffer for withstanding setbacks. Self-esteem is essential for emotional well-being. It is, however, distinct, from confidence. Self-esteem is a value judgment on your character. It allows you to believe that you are lovable and that you have value as a human being. You can be the richest and most successful individual and have low self-worth, and you can be a cashier at a drugstore and have plenty of self-esteem.

Another cousin of confidence is optimism. We all experience the same rainy weather, but how you interpret this weather depends on your optimistic or pessimistic attitude. “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill. Optimists notice the good things happen to them, and they feel grateful for them. Pessimists don’t pay attention to positive things as often. Try to open a door for an optimist, and they will thank you. A pessimist is much less likely to even notice the door being held for them. Unlike self-esteem, optimism is not a judgment on your inner self-worth, it’s an attitude you have that is based on your view of the outside world.

Confidence and optimism are closely related but with an important distinction. Optimism is an outlook that everything will work out. Confidence is ‘I can make this work.’

Self-compassion is the newest member of the confidence family. Being kinder to yourself makes you healthier, more successful and fulfilled in the pursuits you choose. With self-compassion you treat yourself like you treat your friends. You are kind, you are supportive, you are understanding, and you put your imperfections in the context of being human. Self-compassion drives your confidence. It allows to take the very risks that build it knowing that you won’t always win. Self-compassion is not an excuse for inaction. It actually supports action and connects you to other people. Self-compassion is a safety net that enables you to try for more and harder things.

If self-compassion is the kind, gentle cousin, self-efficacy is the tough, just-get-it-done member of the confidence family. With the belief in your ability to succeed, you expand your way of thinking, behaving, and feeling. It’s a simple and practical quality of putting your aspirations into actions. When you have a strong sense of self-efficacy, you look at challenges as tasks to be conquered and you are more deeply involved in the activities you take on, recovering faster from setbacks.

What is the optimum amount of confidence?

There is a firm agreement from social scientists that a slight tilt towards overconfidence is optimal. It’s adaptive to have a little extra confidence in the face of uncertainty believing a bit too much in your capabilities than is called for. This inspires you to do things instead of just thinking about doing them.